i cant stop singing that beyonce song "all the single ladies"

fact

Anyone that uses the phrase "baby girl" probably has a little shoe on their key chain

An Email from HR

Just got this email....thought it was pretty funny....

FYI,

Please do not prop the doors open that lead to the Courtyard. Pigeons are coming in and air conditioning is going out. Thanks for your cooperation.

Janet

Bums

i think it can be assumed at some point in the future, that paper money and coins will disappear and credit cards will be the only form of currency. I wonder, when that happens, how will bums beg?

My Cell Phone is Down

I live in santa monica, and it seems everyones cell phones are down. everyone is blaming it on the no on prop 8 rally, but for some reason that doesnt make any sense......

Is Heroes Racist?

Yes. The more i watch the show, the more i realize that more and more character's are written with racial stereotypes in mind.  I dont know if it is a mistake, but i think it's pretty obvious.  Don't get me wrong, i love the show, but just take a look:

1. Knox - The Black Guy

This one is the most obvious.  The guy gets stronger the more people are scared of him.  And  by "people" i mean white people.  I wonder how he found out he had this ability?  Also, Ali Larter's character Niki Sanders had super human strength, but she didn't need people to be "scared" of her to be strong!  

2. Suresh - The Indian

Wow, no way, the Indian guy is the scientist?  Perfect!  I mean i guess he could be working in a call center in India, but besides that, pretty stereotypical

3. Maya/Her Brother - The Mexicans

They're poor, from some small town where they don't have a car, and they end up using a coyote to get across the border.  Also take into account that the first time we meet them, they are at a stereotypical wedding, with pinatas.

4.Claire - The Blond

Pretty obvious here.  Blond, pretty, cheerleader, popular....typical

5. Hiro - Geeky Asian

Into comics, doesn't speak english well, is into honor and avenging his dad's death. He get's a samurai sword as a weapon, and even makes Star Trek quotes in multiple episodes.

Here's some additional one from lesser characters

1. D.L

Another black guy........oh yea, he escaped from jail, he's an ex con.

2.Monica

The young black girl, living in the ghetto, trying to get ahead in life, works at a fast food joint.

3. Jesse

Hispanic guy.  Of course he's a gangster, with gang tattoo's all over his body.

Can you think of more?

Question:

Why is it that every rug store has had a "going out of business" sign on it fr at least 2 years?

The Painter

There is a guy who sits outside my place, and paints this huge like 12'x12' tarp every day. He paints the whole thing one color. Every inch of it. He stands back and stares at the thing for a few seconds, and then continues to paint it again. Everyday, a different color.

I have no idea what the crap he is doing, but im really interested. The only thing is, i don't want to ask him cause i feel like the reason he's doing it won't meet my expectations. Is he insane? Does he see secret messages? i don't know

Probably one of the worst movies i have ever seen

Babel. I cant even being to explain. Any conversation about Babel should start with

"Hey do you like getting punched in the groin?
You do?
Well the you gotta see Babel. you'll love it"

Pretty much take the premise of Snatch, that a lot of peoples lives are intertwined, and remove all the jokes, good acting, accents,  storyline, soundtrack, and enjoyability and you have Babel.

All im saying is, i would rather watch the Hills

Palin/Obama Cookie

My friend at work just got these.....I think the chocolate one probably tastes better

The Hardest Thing

The hardest thing for a man to do is sneeze while pissing with a boner. There is no way to keep that shit from going all over the place

Words

I realize that even after graduating from High School and College successfully, there are still words that i cant spell at all. I will start to write emails, need to use the word in question, and then re-write a sentence so i can avoid using that word. Is that strange? I know some other people must do it as well. Some of the words are

1. Definetly
2. Beggining

and there are many more i cant think of at this exact moment...do you have any?

Valet

Last night i went to dinner with my cousins, and since everywhere you go in Brentwood, you need to valet your car, i obliged before walking into California Pizza Kitchen.

On our way out, the Valet indicated my keys were in the ignition, and to have a nice day. When i got to my car, they werent there. After a few minutes of getting the run around, i realized NOBODY had them. They had lost my keys. The valet, whose soul job in like is to not lose your keys, couldnt find them.

It turned out that one of the valets working earlier in the night had put them in his pocket. It took him an hour to drive back to the Valet from whatever run down slum that he lived in. I was pissed.

My Altima is too nice to valet anymore. I guess i can't really blame a guy for wanting to get a piece of it

Machead

Sewards saw this guy in the Apple store.....even though i love Apple, this guy is what is wrong for the phenomenon that is Apple

Best Restaurant Ever

Teriyaki Ice Cream? How can you beat that?

Last night

I went to a party in Hancock Park in LA. For those who dont know, it's a very old neighborhood were many celebrities and socialites lived in the 1920's. I only say this so you can get an idea of how the houses looked

I was leaving the party around 1, and as i was walking out, i heard someone sitting in a huge sitting room at a piano playing "Bended Knee" by Boyz 2 Men.

It literally stopped me in my tracks. I was at 1920's style LA mansion hearing someone sing bended knee on a piano.

It was the most LA hipster event of my life

The Story of Frodo

His name was Dan. He was an ordinary guy, and when you live in Newport Beach, that's saying something.

He grew up in a regular town, with regular parents, and went to a regular high school. He went to normal parties, had a normal car, and listened to normal music. The problem was, he also hooked up with normal girls.

Dan always wanted more. He knew he was capable, but just like many of us, he needed that extra little "bump" out of life that sometimes propels us onto a completely different path than the one we are accustomed to.

Dan lived with 2 girls. Like many a man, he was hoping that this life choice would pay dividends for him. But unlike many a man, he let these girls take control of him. They changed his hair, clothing, and personality until he was a ghost of the man he once was.

He had become a 949 badass, and no longer held sacred all those things that were once important to him. His friends laughed when his shiny shirts melted butter and shook their heads then his hair gel wafted into the air. He thought that the sucubus' that took over his life would somehow help him get the girls that he had always dreamed of. But things werent panning out as he expected

Luckily, this all changed one day when Frodo was picking up latte's for his roomates. He was walking through the alley back to his car when he noticed an old man huddling in the corner. Frodo couldnt see him quite clearly because he was wearing perscription glasses even though he had lasik on his eyes. This made it difficult for him to see, and was caught off guard when the man motioned him over.

Frodo's designer alligator shoes squeaked as he slowly approcahed the man. As he began to speak FRodo leaned in as far as he could without ripping his Diesel Jeans

Old Man: "I have seen you around town, and have noticed the degree to which you have changed your ways. I see string desire within you to satisfy a beautiful girl, but you lack an essential item"

As the man spoke Frodo rubbed on his skull and cross bones necklace recently purchased from Banana Republic.

Old Man: "While you ahve over indulged in douchebaggery with your clothing selection, i can help you with this one essential item"

The old man drew back his dirty raincoat and began to uncover an object that was hidden deep within the recess of his jacket.

Old Man: " You desire time with beautiful women, and so i bequeth onto you this magic ridiculously oversized watch."

Frodos eyes began to gleem as his gazed onto the an object 5 times the size of his penis

Old Man: "With this watch you will be able to date women more beautiful than any you could ever have imagined."

As Frodo took off one of his leather bracelets and began to fasten the watch onto his arm, he realized that his life was over as he knew it, and a new day would rise, one in which he would be the kewlest kid ever.

Old Man: "I send you on your way with one simple request....when you did find that special girl, make sure you hook up with any female relatives she may have first"

And with that Frodo sucked in his stomach, puffed out his chest, and went along his way. And the rest as they say, is history

Frodo has too much time on his hands

Frodo sent this to me today. He's trying to trade me to Nor Cal for Beau. He even got the paralegal at his company to write it up

AGREEMENT

THIS AGREEMENT ("Agreement") is made and entered into as of August 8, 2008 ("Execution Date"), by and between JUSTIN TAYLOR, JASON SEWARDS, MEGAN FORKE, BONNIE RAITT (collectively, "Southern California Residence"), and BEAU DELMORE , ("Northern California Resident").

AGREEMENT

NOW, THEREFORE, in consideration of the mutual covenants and agreements contained herein and for other good and valuable consideration, the receipt and sufficiency of which are acknowledged, all parties of this action agree that the terms and conditions of this Agreement.

1. JUSTIN TAYLOR, JASON SEWARDS, MEGAN FORKE and BONNIE RAITT must move to Northern California, in exchange for BEAU DELMORE.

1.1 According to the Execution Date, the move must take place prior to the expiration of six months after all parties have signed.

2. IF BEAU DELMORE moves back to Northern California, he MUST become the biggest Angels fan in the world.

2.1 (DEFINITION OF BIGGEST ANGEL FAN)

I. Every time the Angels play at Oakland, BEAU DELMORE must attend the game.

II. At said games, BEAU DELMORE, must be wearing Angel gear for every single article of clothing (even articles of clothing that are not showing)

III. BEAU DELMORE, can only attend such games with Meghan and Margo.

IV. At such games, pictures must be taken.

V. BEAU DELMORE must purchase the tickets (and Meghan and Margo’s tickets)

3. IF JUSTIN TAYLOR moves back to Orange County, San Deigo County, or Los Angeles County, every party is this action is allowed to kill him.

1. This is negated if JUSTIN TAYLOR moves to a 909 area code

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, the parties have executed this Agreement as of the day and year first written above.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA RESIDENTS: By:_______________________________ Name: Justin Taylor Its: Authorized Signatory By:_______________________________ Name: Jason Sewards Its: Authorized Signatory By: ______________________________ Name: Megan Forke Its: Authorized Signatory By: ______________________________ Name: Bonnie Raitt Its: Authorized Signatory

NORTHERN CALIFORNIA RESIDENT: BEAU DELMORE By: ______________________________ Name: Beau Delmore Its: Authorized Signatory

Names

What do you call someone of the opposite sex thats a bit older than you that you like? all the words for the opposite sex dont seem to fit.

"Lady" - Sounds like someone i bumped into in a supermarket that i dont know.
"Chick" - Could be someone i want to hook up with
"Broad" - Too mean.
"Girl" - Not friendly enough
"Woman" - Makes her sound 45 and has kids.

any ideas?

Bull Semen

A story from Frodo on google chat today

"bruck and i went to the oc fair last weekend with the girls and i got gay bull seman ejaculated on my arm"

"i was at the rodeo at the fair and a bull started pounding another bull in the ass and he pulled it out and jizzed all over the place, i was standing right but the railing and felt some hit my arm, i blame the chick i was talking to for not warning me"

wow

question

what gives blind people boners?

4th of July

Was up at my buddy Aggy's. This is probably the best picture ever.

Also, i decided that i want to start documenting my life, through pictures. For the first part, i went to all the schools i attended as a kid, and took pictures of everything that was sentimental to me.

The pictures can be found here: Schools i have attended

English......

Some people have no idea how to read or write. It astounds me. I took this at a truck stop that i stopped at on my way back from San Luis Obispo last weekend.

The lady working the counter saw me take this and laughing hysterically. I think she realized how big of an idiot she is

Squirt

Squirt is the best drink ever. Fuck Pabst Blue Ribbon, Squirt is the new drink for all the hipsters out there. I'm bringing it back. Tell your friends

Squirt Did You Know

• Created by Herb Bishop in 1939
• Contains real grapefruit juice
• Owned by British Cadbury Schweppes

routine

i have the same routine every morning. i was describing it to someone at work and they thought i was crazy. Here's some of the stuff that i do EVERY morning no matter what.

I always:

• Set my alarm to an even time, and not on the hour
• Throw a pillow off my bed before i get out of bed
• Get into the shower from the right side of the curtain
• Put shampoo in my left hand
• Turn off the shower, and wipe the water off my arms and chest before getting out

It is so random, and i have no idea why i do it, but it works for me so screw you

Oh Bloom.....

My buddy Bloom was telling me about how him and two of my other buddies got in a fight with these 2 guys at a bar. this is how he described what everyone looked like

"there are two late 20's early thirty hipster guys..with shaggy long hair, huge beards.. big messanger bags..and tatoos all over them-selves.

im dressed kinda pretty, but not over the top or anything"

Dressed pretty? Nice one Bloom

Stuck in my head

i cant stop listening to this song. It's in Magnolia, and i watched it recently and got it stuck in my head

ernesto

Dear Ernesto:

Since you won't call me back, i'm telling you like this. Your nickname is now Cuddles. Why? Cause Elliott and i think it is the best nickname ever, and you deserve it.



Also you owe me $31. Pay up bitch

Plates

I own a decent amount of plates. Maybe i have too many. I don't know. I'm not sure what the typical single guy my age has in the plate department. Anyways, i have about 15.

I figure that's a good amount, especially since i have somebody over to eat at my place (which means take out brought back) probably once a month at best.

But even though i have all these plates, and no use for any of them except for me, i only ever use one plate.

Is this strange? Since i eat, wash the plate, put it on top, and eat again without any interruption in the cycle. I just use the same plate every meal.

I don't know why i'm thinking about this, but i thought it was strange

Elevator

A lot of days when i leave work, i get in the elevator, and we ride down it to the parking lot. We usually chit chat about something, and when we get to our floor, theirs always an awkward moment.

We usually look at each other and say "have a nice night" or "see you tomorrow" or "let's hope tonight's episode of the Bachelorette is better than last weeks".

And then, on some special nights, there is a few awkward minutes once we have already said our farewells, and we realize our cars are parked somewhere in the distance next to each other.

Their is an unspoken rule that once you say your farewell's, you are no longer allowed to speak to this person. It is common knowledge that one person slows down to walk behind the other, or at least one person looks at their phone randomly to make sure the time passes until we reach our cars.

And so Edmund, no i was not really on my phone, but that was a few awkward minutes on the way to our cars, so i thought i would be that person today

Signs i am getting old

• I'm starting to grow random hairs on my shoulders
• I cant sleep on the floor anymore. I need my own bed everynight
• I need to make sure i hydrate if i am at in the sun for long periods
• I enjoy the History channel
• I go to parties with my friends, and they bring their kid
• I start to refer to past events as the year they happened in, not the grade i was in school
• I can't sleep in till noon on weekends like i used to be able to
• I have more and more "errands" to run
• I am worried about the performance of my 401k

Notes i left for someone at work

Me and this guy John at work have a mutual love/hate. Tonight when i stayed late i left a post it note trail for him to check.


Part 1 - On the floor to the storage bin



Part 2 - A little note that says "look in here"



Part 3 - When he opens it up, a special message for him. i didnt get a pic of the "I"

Napping

Yesterday i played in a golf tournament for work. I had to get up really early in the morning, and when i got back all i wanted to do was take a nap. I decided to turn on the TV, and was looking for something that could put me to sleep.

I found the most boring, sleep inducing show ever. The Story of the founding of the WNBA. Wow it was so lame, talking about the struggles the women came to overcome diversity and what not to play basketball.

It was perfect. I fell asleep in minutes

This weekend i remembered what was wrong with America.

Saturday i had to go get my brakes fixed, and while i was sitting in the waiting room, i was flipping through Star magazine, which was enough to start to nauseate me. But as i got to the end, i saw the crossword puzzle.

The questions in the crossword puzzle were exactly what you would expect. Questions about Tom Cruise, Ugly Betty, and other such Hollywood drivel. The crossword puzzle, was impressively filled out. Every question was filled, and i realized that i was dealing with a real Hollywood gossip pro, until i realized that one question was empty. ONE question.

Two letters long.

The second letter was already known to be an "i"

The question: represents the ratio of any circles circumference to its diameter.

The answer is obvioulsy "pi". But even if you didnt know, im sure most people could guess. It astounded me that someone knew EVERY question related to fashion, hollywood starlets, and pop music, but couldnt fill in ONE letter on a normal question.

so so sad

The "Hi" Sneeze face

Do you know how, when you see someone in the hallway at work you sorta know, or at a bar or something, and you walk towards that person, and you get ready to say hi?

You get that sorta im-about-to-sneeze-face ready so when they look up/over at you you can say hi or what's up. then the person doesnt look up/over and you feel like a total douche?

I've been doing that to some guy i work with for months now. I went to high school with him, and i don't really want to talk to him about it, so i never look at him in the eyes when i walk by. I can see him ready with that look, and i feel bad that he has it ready, and i never let him deliver.

If you are that guy, i'm sorry. Yea, i know you, i just really have no idea what to talk to you about

I got glasses. Wearing a suit

I just got glasses. I like like i should be going to a Weezer concert.

I went to a funeral last week, and it is one of the few times i wear a suit. Every time i wear a suit, i either want to smoke cigarettes (which i dont do), or i feel like getting in a fight in the rain. I dont know if i saw that in a movie or something when i was younger, but i have this idea that im at a bar or hall or something for a reception, and a bunch of us run out into the street in the rain and get in a brawl.

It's quite absurd to think that i could fight anybody, let alone while wearing a suit in the rain.

This Weekend

Frodo and Ernesto were in town. Friday we drank, and Saturday we went out for a bit. Frodo was so drunk by the time we went out, he passed out at the table at the bar



Today, Santos, Ernesto and i went to LACMA. They have a really awesome contemporary art wing taht just opened. i found out about this artist called Jeff Koons who i am now infactuated with. He did this really creepy Michael Jackson statue that i saw. you should check him out

Laker Season Tickets

I just got on the waiting list with Sewards for season tickets. I am number 1,885 in line. They said that it will take 2-3 years until i can et tickets. Oh well, it will be sweet when i get them

Free Table

At work we have a free table. Free food we get from people, free crap that nobody wants, and sometimes.....treasured CD's that were left. A pretty old guy that works in my department left this note on the free table. He was being serious, and i thought it was really funny

Wow

2 people i know have died this month. Pretty shitty. And i got a myspace bulletin about where one of the funerals was going to be, and the message right above it was a posting about how it is a year anniversary of my old roomates death.

Jesus. 3 people in 1 year? I'm too young to have this many people i know die already.

This Weekend

I got really drunk and watched Magnolia........alone. It sounds really depressing, but i enjoyed it so much. The drinking i think more than the movie.....It's a pretty slow movie, and isnt very uplifting to drink to. But it was still fun.


Small Pieces of life lately.


I went to an 80's party and dressed up as Michael McDonald



I just scored awesome tickets for Radiohead in August

This HUGE website i produced just went live

I have an itchy thigh

We went out with Meghan and a couple of her friends. They were all pretty ugly. At the end of the night, Meghan was telling me her friend was gonna walk home, cause she lived really close, on Barrington.

Me: I didnt know they had any bridges on Barrington
Meghan: Huh?
Me: You know, bridges for her to live under
Meghan: Im not following...
ME: I thought trolls always lived under bridges?

IT took forever for her to get it, but i laughed at myself forever. I think that my biggest problem is that i laugh at my jokes more than anyone else

i finally finished moving. My new place is so great. except for my neighbors. They hate me. After living their 3 days.

On one side i have "The crier". He's 75, and hes eyes water and run down his face whenever you talk to him. He hates "those young kids who are always banging on there bongos". I dont know if it is a sexual reference or not. Either way, hes not enjoying radiohead playing at 2pm on a Saturday.

On the other side is "Mr. Enjoy". The first time i met him was while DirecTv was being installed. He came out to figure out what all the noise was about. I apologized and he said well, enjoy. I thought he was talking about DirecTv. NExt time i saw him i was apologizing for the banging at 3am on Saturday. Afterwards he said "well, enjoy" and walked in

He never says it in a very enthusiastic or happy tone. I figure he means it as an insult. Like i am not good enough to live in the sweet area i do, and should enjoy it while it lasts. He's 40 and balding and jaded by too many relationships turned sour. Well, thats what i think anyway.

Also this is the funniest thing i have ever seen

TV

People have been asking me the last few days while ive been in a bad mood. I could'nt figure out why at first, but its because i was preparing myself for all the money i was going to spend. Because i am moving, i have to buy a TV, Xbox, and TV stand, since they were my roomates' stuff that i used at my old apartment. Also, theres no refrigerator at my new place, so i have to buy one of those at well. All the deep sighs and rubbing my hand on my face in agony the last few days were preparing for all the money i spent today. I ended up buying this 50" Plamsa TV



as well as an expensive stand that i can mount the TV on, and a $200 fridge. Plus i still need to get an Xbox.

Even though i got a lot of cool stuff, spending $2,000 in a day feels like getting kicked in the balls

How Ernesto and i met, according to Facebook

Things that seem really manly that i need to do at some point

Run on a bridge that is collapsing behind me as i run.
Walkaway in slow-mo as something blows up behind me
Chug a beer, throw the bottle against a wall and then full on bend over make out with some girl
Light a match with my beard
Hurt my arm real bad and make a tourniquet from my shirt and wrap it.
Jump out of a moving car.
Slam Dunk over someone

Birthday

Things that have been going on as of late

I saw Cat Power in concert Friday night

The best part of the night is when she started to bend over and she had a few buttons undone on her shirt. The worst part is when she noticed and buttoned them back up.

The show was so boring. i spent half the time sending work emails because i had no idea what she was saying, and all her songs sound alike

It was my birthday yesterday, and i got this amazing Pau Gasol Lakers shirt


I am moving to a one bedroom bungalow close to the beach. It's pretty sweet.

I Cant stop eating hot dogs. It is becoming a problem. I eat about 12 hot dogs a week. They are so amazing. Whenever i am driving home from work, i think about what i want to eat, and more often than not, i decide on hot dogs. I don't know what to do.

Hurting Myself

Yesterday i looked at my knuckle and realized at some point earlier in the day i had cut myself, since i was still bleeding a little bit.

Whenever something like this happens, i feel really bad ass for some reason. Like i pretend i am so strong that i cant notice when i am hurt anymore.I look down at my injury like "Damn when did that happen?" And then laugh it off cause i am so buff it takes a pretty serious injurt for me to even be affected at all

My Wish

i realized to truly be happy, at some point in my life i want to pour Cristal down a big black girls ghetto booty

Spammer

I enjoy screwing with the people that send me spam mail. You know the ones. That promise you will get millions of dollars because they need to move some African Kings money into your bank account or something. Well i emailed back and forth with one of them, telling him i wanted to see what he looked like before i sent him my info, and this is what he sent me.

Whoever emailed me couldnt speak english very well at all, and it looks like the passport has been photoshopped, but still funny.

My Roomate's Wiener Jar

This is my roomate's wiener jar. He keeps it in our fridge. It used to be a pasta sauce jar. Now it holds his wiener's. Whenever he eats all the wiener's in his wiener jar, he takes more wiener's out of the fridge and fills it up.

I'm having a Super Bowl Party.....

Sweet email

I just got the sweetest spam email ever. this is what it said


From: "%XTRAZ_VRACH Dillon Davidson"

Subject: Huge male aggregate is the fact that all girl like

Body:

Your wife  lived you alone for reason of she had jazzed it with your
mate.

For reason of she has always dreamed about enormous  male instrument.

Enlarge your aggregate and you'll forget about this troubles once for
all .

Lots of men the world over have increase. At present it is your turn.

%XTRAZ_WWW%XTRAZ_DOMAINS

New Years Resolution

If you still have not seen someecards than i suggest that you check it out.


This one is my New Years Resolution

iTunes Porn?

So i was at home on my laptop, listening to music on iTunes, when i notice someone is on my network sharing their music...........I open it to see what they are sharing, and this is what i see (click to view larger size)


I dunno about you, but i'm interested to see "porn blowjob fucking anal sex hand job cum shot virtual gang bang european sex tit fucking boobs white black 2 girls hidden camera peeing sum teens...".

Seems like a lot to fit into one video

Deal or No Deal

Could the contestants be any more annoying? I don't often watch the show, my dad makes me watch it when i am home, and randomly it is on right now, and i am watching it.

First off, do these people really believe "The Banker" has any say in how much money they are offered? Do they really think "The Banker" is some guy that is actually insulting them when Howie tells them what "The Banker" said?

How can the contestants fake looking surprised when someone/something shows up on stage after Howie asks them "who is the most important person in your life" or "what did you always want as a kid" throughout the episode.

And how can they pace around and yell insults to "The Banker" and talk about how good they are? There is NO SKILL involved in this show. The only skill is knowing when statistically you don't have a chance and should quit. Which NEVER happens because the contestants are money hungry.

Death Pool

We started a death pool at work. And by we i mean I. You pick 10 celebs that are going to die this year, and you take their age at death away from 100, and thats your score. You get double points if the person commits suicide. Here is my list

1. Amy Winehouse
2. Owen Wilson
3. Jack Nicholson
4. Jimmy Carter
5. Pete Doherty
6. Peter O’Toole
7. Fidel Castro
8. Kirk Douglas
9. B.B King
10. Kim Kardashian

The last one is more of me hoping that she dies more than thinking it will really happen