Stupid Day At Ikea

Today I went to Ikea. I know already my first mistake. Partaking in a busy day is about the same as being in an internment camp during the holocaust. They fucking force you to walk through the whole goddamn store, and worse, if I want to buy something, I can’t just take it. I have to write down some fucking German name like Holdstatt or Gremmern or something, then find 23 F and finally locate my item somewhere 10 minutes away from where I initially found the item. By going through this long drawn out process, I already had somehow ended up with a purple desk with black legs.

Anyway, today I had to make a run for work to Ikea to pick up some screws since our intern quit. Anyway, I was cruising through the bedroom section of Ikea, and run into a super hot Asian chick. Of course I was smitten with love at the moment that I saw her, and even more so because she was in the bed section (I know, it makes no sense). So anyway I was kinda horribly staring at her, being enthralled in her hotness when she did something that transcended any previous action that a woman has shown to me. She started doing sign language. Holy fuck I hit the Holy Grail. Not only was she hot and Asian, she also couldn’t speak a lick of……well anything. At first I thought maybe her friend was the one that couldn’t speak, but her friend turned her back and the hot Asian deaf chick started flailing her arms in an attempt to gain her friends attention.

Obviously I had no idea what to do, being amazed at meeting my ideal girl but at the same time having no fucking clue what to do. So I did the least rational thing I could think of….. I called Brex.

Brex: “Dude Bones you have to talk to her”
Bones: “Well how the fuck am I going to do that? Smile at her?”
Brex: “No, Bones do sign language for I love you or something.”
Bones: “And then what the fuck am I going to do, smile at her like an idiot?”
Brex: “No dude get her phone number or something”
Bones: “Brex she’s fucking deaf I don’t think that’s going to help”

For a few more fleeting moments I stared in her general direction before realizing that their really was nothing that I could do. I also had convinced myself that I am way to lazy to learn sign language, so I should just give up.

So I gave up, grabbed the screws that I needed and checked out. But the whole rest of the time I was there all I was thinking about was the opportunity that I missed out on. Or was it? I mean of course a dream of mine is a woman that will listen as I endlessly babble on about myself. But a deaf chick? I began to wonder if was as awesome as I initially thought. She really couldn’t laugh at all my jokes, become self-absorbed in my life, or any of the other key features that I look for. And by the time I had come to, I was halfway back to work on the freeway. And as I looked around I realized that I forgot the screws on the counter in Ikea…..Fuck Me.